Monday, 28 March 2011

Update on Boredom

After 201 months of living on Earth, I think the human condition's charm has worn off by now.

Over and Out.
Ollie McMillan.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

The Fear of your own Capacity. Except the ability to avoid digression.

One thought struck me the other evening, and once again before I wrote this hence why I am doing so now. I am terrified of how much I can achieve. I lessened the sense of using the word 'capacity' partly because I felt the word gave me the thought of others thinking I mean "Capable of anything, even murder" And that's not what I'm trying to put across. Then again, if the Art coursework I am procrastinating from was a person, well, handcuff me now.. 

Obviously I would need a reason for this thought to occur. I was sitting in the lounge around 3:00 - 3:15am, scattering English worksheets and finally completed a coursework draft, and I felt a sense of strong accomplishment. Almost that cocky feeling some get when they write something and already seem to be pleased with it without reading it through. 

I then relayed all the things I have done recently:

Realizing I knew how to play 4 instruments.

Making a film.

The prospect of starting a band.
Duke of Edinborough award.

Drawing exceptional art exam work. (I mean this in the least pretentious sense, then again, fuck it. I wrote this. It's not like anyone can edit it.)

Producing good grades in subjects.

Stable family and friend relationships.

Maybe I just have the inability to realize everyone can accomplish this with a certain mindset, but that is not what I'm trying to explain. I'm not proud of these achievements, I'm terrified.

We process information in our brains like a computer. Computers break. Do we break? Do we think too hard or do too much of what we're good at that it can kill us? Not to assume I will come home after college one day and my head will literally melt like a cheap nasty plastic, but what is the effect of a prolonged life-style where you focus on everything you are good at and nothing else?

My personal outcome in my eyes would be a man alone in a studio apartment graying slightly on the sides of his head, and the faint whisper of whiskey lingering around his mouth. Not an alcoholic, just to loosen up. Alone. This is what some people do to themselves on a daily basis, they cut ties with people in their lives because their mindset has changed through their successful lifestyle in to thinking value is power and not company.

I digress. I do that a lot with writing. I suppose it proves one thing that I know for a fact I could write one type of book. A diary. What else has pages with your emotions spilled over the paper like a mug of coffee split over your artwork. Yes, that is aimed at you Mother. Back to the title, I think one reason I am slightly unnerved by the sense of overwhelming accomplishment is the very personality dysfunction that you would least associate with someone expecting success. That would be the fear of failing.

Failing is nature's way of telling you that tomorrow may be a better day for you to have a go. Or maybe you should just stop and move on to other things. Depending on how optimistic you are. Or annoying.

All I can hope for now is that this mentality of my scale of how much I can achieve will just subside into the maturity I have yet to fully grow in to. Although I like to consider myself a mature writer, just less constrictive of what I put on the page compared to some people because I simply care less. Oh well, a good way to end this piece is probably a quote from a very nice film with George Clooney in it.

Over and Out.
Ollie McMillan.

"Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's because they sat there that they were able to do it."